Doubt and Regret
by SKingList
Summary: When the cameras stop rolling, imagination kicks in. Elliot finally talks to Olivia. Part 1 posted 12904 and Part 2 is in progress.


Characters not mine, I'm just borrowing. I promise to return them unscathed. Spoilers through "Doubt". Haven't seen anything since because I moved overseas immediately after. Comments loved.

**November 17, 2004**

﻿Olivia walked into her apartment, setting her cell phone and gun down on the coffee table as she sat down on the couch. "Shower," she thought to herself. After spending most of the day with Myra Denning and Ron Polikoff via Polikoff's trial, she just felt like she'd never be clean. She wasn't entirely convinced who was at fault, and felt lucky not to be a member of the jury. Her neck was stiff, her head hurt and all she wanted was to spend an hour soaking in the shower, or maybe even the tub. There were times like this that she was glad she lived alone. It was bad enough that she had to think about what happened; at least she didn't have to talk about it.

And it wasn't just the Polikoff case, but the timing of that case immediately on the heels of Abraham/Eugene Hoff and his cult. It was too much. She wasn't going to give in because she didn't want Elliot to have to pick up her slack, but as soon as this case was resolved, and before anything else major could fall in their laps, she was going to take a few days. Cragen had told her she was going to lose the time if she didn't use some by year's end, so she was thinking of taking a long weekend to do some shopping for the holidays and maybe just to get out of the City for a bit.

She still could not believe Elliot's news. It'd been a few weeks since Scarry dropped the bomb while questioning why Polikoff hadn't been arrested. A few long weeks during which they'd worked to the bone. Maybe it helped, maybe it was good for Elliot to be able to throw himself into work—lord knows she did it enough herself.

This afternoon was the first time she'd gotten Elliot to start talking about what had happened between he and Kathy. They'd finally stopping butting heads over the case long enough to talk when Don came in about Novak's closing statements. Normally putting a perp away would be the focus of her attention, but today her mind was only on her partner. She'd asked him if he was OK, but he hadn't gotten to answer before Cragen came in and she wasn't convinced that he was.

Yes, Elliot had been abrupt with her over the last few weeks, but she didn't mind too much. She knew he wasn't angry with her. She had no idea how she would react if the situation were different. She knew he'd talk eventually, but it had to be when he was ready. She thought back four years ago when her mom had passed away, it was weeks before she'd talk to anyone.

Once they'd come back to the squad room from the courtroom, she asked him if he wanted to continue their talk, but he'd shut down. "I'm talked out, Liv," he'd said. Seeing him shut down made her wonder why she hadn't noticed something earlier. She was worried about him. Leaning forward, she rested her elbows on her knees and began to massage her temples. When he hurt, she hurt. They'd always been close, and he'd told her on more than one occasion that it hurt him to see her upset.

After a few moments she rose, stopping to pick up her cell phone and gun before heading to the bathroom. Turning on the tap, she let the water run as she slowly disrobed. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and realised she looked like hell. After the shower, she planned on a quiet night in with a book, or maybe a movie. Working herself to the bone was starting to wear on her. Tonight, for once, she was leaving work at work. As she stepped into the shower, she thought back on the events of the afternoon.

Once they realised that the jury wouldn't come back with a verdict tonight, she and Elliot headed back to the Squad Room. After trying to talk about his home situation and realising he didn't want to, she asked him a couple of questions on another lower-profile case they'd been working on, but soon realised his mind was elsewhere. "I'm done," she said aloud.

"Huh, what? Sorry Liv," Elliot apologised. "Want to run that by me again?"

Olivia smiled slightly. "Don't worry about it, I just said that I'd decided to call it a night. My brain is fried and my stomach is rumbling so loud it sounds like the subway. Want to go grab a bite to eat?"

Elliot paused for a moment before shaking his head. He knew he'd be lousy company. "I think I'm going to pass. I want to finish up a few things here and then I'm going to head to the house." It had ceased to be _home_ since Kathy and the kids had left, especially the kids.

"OK," Olivia said, knowing not to push him. "I'll see you in the morning then," she added.

Elliot nodded. "Thanks, Liv."

"No problem," she said, not needing to ask for what. As she put on her coat, she added, "I'll get breakfast if you bring coffee?"

"Sounds like a plan." Every so often they needed to escape the tar their coffee pot made. Elliot felt guilty for turning her down, but he just needed some time to think. He'd followed her lead and thrown himself into work for the past few weeks, but that was slowly starting to not work anymore. Like he said to Olivia earlier this afternoon, seeing Polikoff with his daughter had gotten to him—he started to think of what it could come to between he and his children and it hit him where it hurt.

Elliot regretted what had happened between he and Kathy, and that situation angered him, but when it came to the kids it just made him sad. Something he'd said to Kathy years ago had come back to haunt him in recent weeks. _You are the parent and I am the pay check_. He could hear himself saying it, and it made him angry. Angry with himself. Kathy may have left him, but he was the one at fault here. Maybe it would be easier if there were someone or something else to blame, but it was all on him.

Just as Olivia adjusted the showerhead to deliver a pulsing massage, she heard the familiar tones of her cell phone. "Damnit," she said, reaching out of the shower for her cell. "Benson," she continued, knowing from the ring tones that the call was from the Station.

"Hey,"

"Hey yourself," she replied, all traces of frustration at the ringing cell gone. She hadn't expected Elliot to call. "Please tell me the fine citizens of NY can wait until tomorrow morning to brutalize each other?"

"They'd better," Elliot said, with a chuckle. "I actually just wondered if the dinner offer was still open?"

"Of course," Olivia said, shutting the water off before wrapping a towel around her body as she headed to the bedroom. "What do you feel like?"

"I'll come by you,"

"OK," Olivia said, understanding that he wanted to be away from the Station, away from where they might be heard. "There's a new pizza place around the corner I've been meaning to try or," she trailed off as she looked around her apartment absent-mindedly.

"Or?" Elliot prompted.

Changing her mind Olivia said, "Or we can eat somewhere else. I'm easy."

"Pizza's great. Meet you in front of your building in 15?"

"Sure."

Olivia finished towelling off and pulled on a pair of jeans she had lying on her chair and a red long-sleeved tee. She brushed her hair and quickly applied a dash of makeup, trying to disguise the bags below her eyes.

She'd just made it out the front door of her building when she saw Elliot parking across the street. He locked his car and crossed the street. When he noticed her change of clothes and wet hair, he immediately felt guilty. "I'm sorry, Liv. You should have told me you were already in for the night."

Putting her hand on his forearm she said, "Don't worry about it. I needed to get something to eat anyway, and putting clothes back on isn't that hard," she said with a laugh. "And I told you that I was here for you, that doesn't only mean during work hours."

"I know," Elliot said. "You're the best."

When they reached the pizza place, they quickly realised it was pretty loud, with several tables of families in there. "I have an idea," Olivia said, sensing that Elliot wanted to talk and that sitting in the company of families might not be the easiest thing for him right now. "Why don't we get the pizza to go? I'll run across the street and get a six-pack or something and we can take it back to my place."

"Great idea. How hungry are you? I know I can eat at least two slices and was thinking maybe we should get a small pie?"

"Yeah, and worse comes to worse, there is a slice leftover. I'm up for anything, but I'm kind of in the mood for sausage."

"Half sausage, half peppers?" Elliot offered.

"My stomach votes yay," Olivia said with a laugh. "I'll run to the store while they're making the pie. Any preferences?"

"Whatever is fine."

"OK, I'll meet you back here in just a few."

When Olivia returned, she observed Elliot staring into space. He was looking in the direction of the families, but not at them. Olivia could see a sad look in his eyes and this worried her. As far as she knew, he hadn't talked to anyone about what was going on, and it couldn't be good to keep it all inside. Still, she didn't want to push him, so she just let him be, unsure whether he'd noticed her come back in. Most of the families were already eating so the wait wasn't long and just a minute or two later, the man behind the counter called out to Elliot, "Pie is ready" as he took it out of the oven.

Olivia moved forward to hand Elliot some money but he wouldn't take it, "My treat," he said, taking his wallet from his pocket.

"You sure? After all, it was me who asked you to dinner."

"And if I'd not dragged you out after you'd already changed, I might let you pay," Elliot said. "Just call this my way of saying thank you."

"You're welcome then," Olivia said as they walked out and turned toward her apartment.

Elliot smiled, "And you got the drinks?"

"Yep," Olivia said, nodding toward the bag. "I came back in a few minutes ago but I could tell your mind was elsewhere so I didn't interrupt."

"My mind's been somewhere in outer space for the last month or so. I'm sure I've not been the easiest person to deal with and I apologise."

"Don't. And I hope you know that the crack I made about working with you this afternoon."

"I know you didn't mean anything, and I have been impossible to work with, though you may be too polite to say it," Elliot added with a grin as they walked into Olivia's apartment.

Olivia didn't say anything just yet. She knew what she wanted to say, yet it was something best said when they were both seated—not a conversation as they were getting drinks and settling in. Peering at her table full of papers and unread mail she asked, "Want to put it on the coffee table and we can eat in there?"

Elliot nodded, and set the pie down. He took off his coat and laid it on the back of the couch. He moved toward the kitchen but Olivia said, "I've got it," as she put the remainder of one six pack in the fridge and headed toward Elliot with two beers, two frosty mugs from the fridge, and a some paper plates and napkins. "None of what they had cold was appealing," she added by way of explanation.

"Coors, good choice," Elliot commented.

"I thought you might agree."

Initially, they ate in silence. Each hungry, neither knowing exactly what to say. Elliot knew he owed Olivia an explanation and apology, but not knowing where to start. Olivia wanting to help Elliot, but not wanting to push him. The day had finally come that he was going to talk, and she didn't want to say the wrong thing.

After finishing his first slice, Elliot set his plate down and turned toward Olivia, who had just taken a bite. At that, they both laughed. Putting her plate down, Olivia finished chewing and turned to Elliot.

"I'm sorry I've been such an ass for the last month." He saw Olivia open her mouth to protest, and he raised a hand to silence her. "Don't tell me I haven't been, because I know I have. And I have no idea why. I can't tell you why, but part of me was doing it intentionally. I don't know what I was thinking, but maybe I thought picking a fight would be easier. Either way, it wasn't right of me or fair to you, and I'm sorry."

Olivia nodded. She'd done it herself on more than a few occasions. She knew Elliot cared and when she didn't want him to get close, to touch on the raw nerves, she'd pick a fight. "Natural defence mechanism," she said. "If allowing someone to get close will hurt us more, we push them away. I fully understand it. I also knew you'd come to me when you were ready, so there are no hard feelings."

Elliot nodded, "Thank you. I was so angry with Scarry for throwing my personal life into the case, but in a way it made me deal with it. It made me face it. I'd been trying to hard not to let the news get out. I knew I was going to have to tell people eventually, but I was ashamed," Elliot admitted.

"Why?"

"I felt, I feel like a failure. You see so many cases where the man, or woman, is able to hold down a demanding job and keep his family, but I couldn't."

She didn't know what to say to that. She wanted to tell him he wasn't a failure, but didn't want to belittle his feelings. She locked his gaze and rested her hand on his forearm.

"It's OK, you don't have to know what to say. I haven't known what to say for the last two months."

_Two months._ Olivia could not believe it. How had he been wrestling with all of this for so long and still held it together? The first time that she'd seen that anything was wrong was when Cragen had sent him home after the psych evaluation on the cult case. She'd spoken with him while he was on leave and knew that there was something up, but had no idea the extent of it. She felt like she'd let him down.

"Cragen knew?" she asked, fairly certain that he hadn't. He seemed too shocked when Scarry had mentioned it in his office.

Elliot shook his head. "No one knew." He looked down at his feet for a moment before adding, "The night it happened, you very nearly had a late-night visitor."

"You know I wouldn't have minded. What made you change your mind?" Olivia asked, locking his gaze.

Elliot shook his head. "I don't know really. I sat down to have a drink and before I knew it, one drink was six or seven beers and I was in no shape to go anywhere. I half dialed your phone on a few occasions, knowing you'd either answer or have it switched off but by then I'd sunk into a self-pity rut."

Olivia nodded, suddenly knowing exactly when it had happened. Elliot had come into work the following day looking wrecked, but not discussing why. He wasn't rude or anything, but sat in silence for the vast majority of the day. She thought maybe he and Kathy'd had a fight but never dreamed that she'd have left him. "I'm sorry," she said. "I knew there was something going on with you, but I never imagined it was this. Honestly, I thought it was something that would blow over until recently."

Elliot nodded, "Don't be sorry. I knew you were there, and I knew you'd be there to talk to me at a moment's notice when I was ready. I had to be ready first though."

"I figured if I tried to approach you earlier, you'd take my head off."

"And you've never done that to me."

"Never," Olivia laughed. "You never got to answer when I asked you earlier. Are you OK? I mean, I know the situation is horrible, but are you getting through it OK? Is there anything I can do?"

Elliot looked down, but then looked up again. Her warm brown eyes let him know that she was listening. She wouldn't judge him. Still, it wasn't easy. "There are days," Elliot started. He took a deep breath, he wasn't quite ready. "I'm going to grab another beer," he said, standing. "Want one?"

"Please," Olivia said, reaching for her plate before leaning back on the couch and folding her legs beneath her. "If the Coors aren't cold yet, I think I have a few other bottles on the second shelf."

"Found them," Elliot said. "Your fridge reminds me of mine when I was in my 20s," he added with a laugh.

"Mine just hasn't changed. We've been so busy lately that I can't remember the last time I ate in."

Elliot nodded as he returned to the couch and handed Olivia a bottle. "What I'm going to say is going to come off completely self-centred," he admitted. "And I know it's not fair but,"

"Go ahead," Olivia said. "You're allowed to be thinking of yourself."

"I was doing OK, at least more often than not, until we got so close to the holidays. I don't want to spend them alone," Elliot admitted, looking down at his bottle in his right hand. He felt his anger with Kathy, with the situation, rising again. Without realising it, he began clenching his left fist. "Maybe things weren't perfect, but they hadn't been for a long time, and did she really have to do this just before the holidays?" he said in a soft whisper, more to himself than to anyone else.

It wasn't until Olivia responded that he realised he'd spoken aloud. "And there's no chance of you joining them at her Mom's?"

Elliot shook his head. "Not for Thanksgiving at least," he said. "And I worry she'll pull it on Christmas as well." Unclenching his fist, he continued. "She said she'd never keep me from the kids, but it sure feels like she is."

"Does she give you any reason?"

"It would be awkward," Elliot spat out. "It wouldn't be awkward if she'd have left her mother out of our marriage."

Olivia nodded. "I know celebrating on another day isn't the same, but can you plan your own turkey dinner with the kids?"

Elliot nodded. "But they don't get it. At least not Lizzie and Dickie. I had them at the house the other day and all they want to know is why they can't live in their house with Mommy and Daddy."

"They're young," Olivia offered. "How about Kathleen and Maureen?"

"Maureen is OK. She and I had dinner the other day. I'm not so sure about Kathleen right now, I'm not her favourite person for a variety of reasons."

"It will all work out. Do you think you can talk to Kathy now about Christmas? To make sure you get to spend it with the kids."

"We're supposed to talk this weekend, but who knows," Elliot shrugged. "I guess I can always work. Someone has to and it will get you this year off," he added with a smile.

Olivia returned the smile. "I'm already on for Thanksgiving, and I think John is planning to come in as well to catch up. We were going to work through some old cases on what will hopefully be a quieter day. And then we were going to come here. Nothing fancy, but neither of us really wanted to be in a restaurant for Thanksgiving and you are more than welcome to join us. Fin may be joining us as well, he wasn't sure yet what his plans were."

"Thanks," Elliot said, in a non-committal way.

Olivia reached for him and put her hand on his forearm. "I'm serious. You are welcome to join us then, and you know you're always welcome here if you don't want to go to an empty house."

"I really appreciate it," Elliot said. "I'll talk to Cragen and see if he wants someone else in, but I will definitely plan to join you here for dinner. What can I bring?"

"I haven't thought that far ahead," Olivia said with a laugh. "But if you want to bring a dessert, or something, that would be great."

"It will be nice to do Thanksgiving with you guys," Elliot said honestly. He knew it would be hard without the kids, but he'd sacrifice Thanksgiving if it meant he could be with them for Christmas.

They sat in companionable silence for a few moments before Olivia asked, "Need another beer?"

Elliot stared at the bottle and realised its power. He'd been drinking a lot since Kathy left, probably too much. Sometimes, he needed it to get through a night in the empty house and he knew he was toeing a dangerous line. He didn't need it tonight; he had the company of a good friend. "I'd actually take a soda if you have," he said.

"Sure," Olivia said, walking to the fridge. "Coke OK?" she added.

"Fine," Elliot said.

Olivia returned to the couch a moment later with two cokes. She set one down on the table in front of Elliot, but he didn't reach for it. Again, there was a faraway look in his eyes. After a few moments, Olivia offered, "Penny for your thoughts?"

"I'm just thinking," Elliot started. "I've been thinking a lot over the last two months, but I still don't have any answers."

Olivia nodded, realising Elliot didn't seem to want to talk about it. "Life's unfair that way sometimes."

"I'm just still trying to figure out what happened, how it got so bad so fast. I know I work a lot, I know I'm not home, but I didn't realise how much it was hurting Kathy and I feel horrid for that. I mean, I may not still be _in love _with her the way I was when we married, but I still love her, and I love the kids. And it hurts more than anything to lose that, to have it ripped away."

"What about if you were to take some time off work? The kids have school vacation coming up. Why don't you take a trip together somewhere?"

Elliot shook his head, and Olivia could see the pain returning to his blue eyes. "Too little, too late were the words I believe she used."

"I'm sorry," Olivia said. She'd always liked Kathy, thought she was a nice enough woman but right now she hated her for the way she'd made Elliot feel.

"She's probably right," Elliot said. "Do you remember, a year or so ago, Maureen came to the office needing to talk to me and later in the day you asked what was going on and then warned me that I could lose the best thing I ever had?"

Olivia nodded, remembering that discussion very well. She had known something was going on with Elliot but he'd shut down and was a ticking time bomb. Still, she had never really thought that Kathy would leave him.

"Well you were right. I blew it," Elliot said, sighing in frustration. "I really blew it."

"I don't think you blew it. She's filed for separation, but has she asked you for a divorce yet?"

Elliot shook his head.

"So maybe there's time. Right now she feels it's too late, but maybe take a weekend away with her. Maureen and Kathleen can help with the twins and maybe you two can find what you lost."

"I don't know," Elliot said.

"Would it hurt to try?"

Elliot didn't answer. He'd been thinking about something similar for a few weeks now, but was afraid to mention it. Like a young boy, he was afraid Kathy would say no. He'd already been hurt by her leaving, and he didn't know how much more he could take. He'd never forget the day she left.

It was about 4 PM on Sunday September 18th. Elliot had gone into the station after mass and had worked the morning on a case, but had promised to be home by 2. When he'd realised he was still working at 3, he felt guilty. He was surprised at how quiet the house was, and thought Kathy was out with the kids. He went up to their bedroom to have a shower as was shocked to see Kathy packing a suitcase.

"Hi, Elliot," she said.

"Kath? What's going on? Why are you packing? Where are the kids?"

"Kathleen took them to my mom's."

"And where are...? No, Kathy," he said.

"Yes."

"Because I was two hours late?!" he asked, his temper starting to flare.

"No," Kathy snapped. "It's not today, it's not yesterday, it's not last month, it's our life, my life."

"We can make this work, I'll take time off," Elliot pleaded, still shocked.

Kathy shook her head, "No." Turning to her desk, she handed him a folder.

He looked at the top sheet of paper, the words blurring together as tears formed in his eyes. Blinking back the tears, he looked up at Kathy. The sadness had become anger. "If this is how you want it," he spat out, throwing the folder down on the bed.

"It's not how I wanted it," Kathy said softly.

"Then why?" Elliot snapped, his temper still raging in his eyes.

"Because there's nothing left. You work late, you won't even talk to me when you are here. I don't know you anymore."

Elliot didn't hear anything after her first sentence. _Nothing left_? They'd been married twenty years and she honestly felt there was nothing left. Before he could say anything he'd regret, he turned and walked from the bedroom. He didn't even hear Kathy call "El," as tears fell from her eyes.

Glancing at his watch, Elliot couldn't believe it was 11:30. They'd been talking for hours. Not that this surprised him, Olivia had always been a good sounding board. "We've got to be back in seven and a half hours," he groaned.

"Don't remind me," Olivia said. As he stood to collect the beer bottles, she said, "I'll take care of those. You OK to drive home? I know you only had two beers, but you're also exhausted."

Elliot thought for a moment. There was no point in driving home to an empty house in Queens only to have to turn around and come back in less than eight hours. "I think I'm just going to crash in the Crib," he said. "I've got a change of clothes in the car."

"You know you're welcome to stay here," Olivia said. "That couch has your name on it," she added with a laugh, thinking of a few occasions Elliot had stayed before when they worked late on a case, or when Kathy had been out of town with the kids and they'd gone out for drinks.

"It is more comfortable than the Crib," Elliot agreed.

"I'll get you some sheets."

"Thanks, Liv. For everything."

"You're welcome."

About half an hour later Olivia walked out of the bathroom, having had a shower, and she looked over at Elliot, fast asleep on the couch. She knew he hadn't been sleeping well, but tonight he'd dropped right off. She'd hoped that talking it out had helped. She was glad he'd finally come to her.


End file.
